Please Do Not Get Arrested
And if you do, please do not mention my name to the police.
It is a very special day in Coultonland, a day I like to call “The First of May.” This is a free country, or at least it was until Obama was elected,* and so I do not presume to tell you how to celebrate it. I have no doubt that whatever you do, you will be sure to obey the law and comply with local ordinances. Also please remember that poison ivy has three shiny pointy leaves.
I myself will mostly be staying indoors, but I have already rubbed a couple of butts – no, they were PORK BUTTS, and I rubbed them with SPICES you pervert. What is wrong with you? Later I’m going to cook them on the GIRL.
My gift to you is this mp3 of a relevant track from “BEST. CONCERT. EVER.” You do not have to get me anything, in fact, I think I would prefer that you didn’t.