Thing a Week 33 – Tom Cruise Crazy

ByJoCo May 19, 2006

Poor Tom Cruise. Sure, he’s got plenty of money and fame and power, but the dude is seriously effed up. I’m a fan, I think he’s a pretty pretty fellow and he makes a fine action film. And I’ve really enjoyed watching him freak out in public of late. But there’s something about these superfamous types that I find very sad – the Michael Jacksons, the Madonnas, and now I can’t think of a third one. Which just goes to show, it’s a very exclusive club – there are only a few of these people who get so absorbed by popular culture that they lose the ability to exist on our plane.

Note to Tom Cruise/Scientologist Heavies: please don’t sue me or have me killed.

Also, in case you see this feed but not the main site, please allow me to pimp my new podcast for Popular Science magazine. Listen and subscribe here.

Tom Cruise Crazy

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Orkendark says

Very catchy! this one feels like another one that will be making the internet rounds for a bit. Kudos!

He's notoriously litigious, so good luck :)

Josh says

This is really good. I like how the beat is, well, it can only be described as trippy. This is just awesome.

Glenn says

I think the really scary thing about them is that if they were mere mortals and they tried stuff like what they do, they'd have to suffer some serious consequences.

The Madonnas? You mean by how she keeps re-inventing herself, or is there more than one?

Brandy says

A good song - but I really hate Tom Cruise, really really. And I love Jonathan Coulton songs ... so now I have a topic for a psych paper on experimental neurotisism (when you confuse the subject by exposing it to conflicting conditioned stimuli and it has something of a nervous breakdown) - thank you.

Also, have you ever looked up Scientology on Wikipedia - very weird stuff.

Eric Ginsberg says

Great first verse. Second verse is harsh, but still amusing because it's true. The bridge could be a little longer, getting into the insanity that is scientology and how he made Katie convert (maybe something about the placenta thing, or the new Tom Cruise Law being proposed in CA). The third verse, to be honest, seems like you needed a third verse, so you rhymed "castle" with "hassle" and called it a night. Hey, what's the point in comments if all they do is inflate your ego? I have to give you constructive criticism every once in a while (which is roughly how often I go out of my way to kill you...a little).

Your monkey, your middle,

jpez says

I just want to say that M:I 3 was terrible.

Bob says

Well, it's been nice knowing you JC.

And you thought the Masons were scary....

Scarybug says

Let me offer 'Prince" as a third example.

Some psychologists have dubbed this thing "Acquired Narcissism Syndrome"

Dan Lurie says

Certainly one of your best JC, great work! Great chair-dancing head-bobbing tune.

owl waxer says

Well, I was laughing before I heard the song, love the title!

Mark Forman says

Jon only you can do this topic justice. Can we expect a song about baby Cruise one day? Good job.

Ian says

a) I love this song
b) I love the last song too
c) I just got back from vacation
d) You do a weekly podcast for Popular Science Magazine now TOO? Holy Fleekin' GEEZ, dude.. do you ever sleep??
e) I like ponies.

Faltenin says

Oh yes, just waiting for the baby Cruise reprise!

Alex says

I watched Minority Report today and I started to play your song over the beginning of the movie and it became a whole lot more funnier because I could only think of the song.

Mather says

Great song, but needs a solo!

Bugarup says

Watch out or he'll sue you in England!

Dave says

Great song. Musically, it reminds me of Ben Folds' "Fired" crossed with some of McCartney's better excursions into music hall (Honey Pie, When I'm 64).

And I think we need to get the phrase "Tom Cruise Crazy" into the vernacular.

Isha says

The "old retarded grandpa" part has had my boyfriend and I laughing our asses off all weekend. I absolutely LOVE this song.

Max says

Ah, I like Tom Cruise, actually. :-) But I like you too, so hey.

I suppose one of the facts of being famous is that everybody gets to voice some opinion on what they think about you.


Patrick says

I can't stop listening to this. It's so catchy it's as if an alien ruler of a glactic confederacy had brought billions of people to the base of a bunch of volcanos on Earth and then decimated them all with hydrogen bombs causing their souls, or "thetans", to stick to the bodies of the living.... IN MY EAR.

katie says

awe. you guys are mean!>=( butt i likee Tom Cruisee.. Obviously. i like his movies and hes hott.. im sure you dont think he is but.. hes really nice in person. just wait til you see :)

Joxe says

I have read so many lies about Tom Cruise in the press this past year that I don't believe anything they say anymore. If they were true he would probably have married Katie about 2000 times. He would have eaten lots of placenta which he only said as a joke while laughing on a TV interview I watched. He would have split with Katie 3000 times. And many many more. All of his movies would have sunk at the box office while the statistics still show his movies are international hits of one or another magnitude, but International box office HITS. All these lies and attacs towards him had made me start to think about what is really going on here. Why so many lies? Why so many attacks? It doesn't make sense that suddenly everybody has turned so evil. Well, I suspect he might have been right when he attacked psychiatry last year and now they are attacking back covertly. It's the only explanation that makes sense to me. He said the truth and that could put their multi billion drug business in danger. Ouch!! So I am starting to consider Tom as a very brave man who faced all alone the global fraud of psychiatry and who is now paying for having dared to face the multi billion dollar psychiatric drug industry fraud!! Don't accept to be brainwashed by the media lies anymore. Let's all USE our brains and honestly investigate and find the TRUTH behind! I have already been doing some research and you wouldn't believe the evidence I found so's really scary.

ratso4747 says

I think Joxe has had a little too much auditing down at the local LRH shrine. By the way, Hubbard is stilll dead.

andrew podos says

My favorite of your many great songs
Thanks for the laughs and brillaint music..

Manders says

Does anyone know the guitar chords to this song? i really want to learn to play it, but I can't pick it up by ear yet.

Cruise says

Catchy little song this one.. I can't stop listening to it.

Thematic says

i'm a cruise fan, he got some balls and is very nice. I really love him, really really. (hello Brandy!)

The song is sweet, not a her's shit for once.

Congrats Jon .

Brendan Falkowski says

I love Tom Cruise so much I started growing my hair to be like his from Mission Impossible 2. Anyway the song is awesome and made me smile.

CHris Benedek says

Joxe is an idiot. So she would have the entire planet's therapy system based on Scientology. This would destroy the US. I have personal experience with Scientology and it has caused me to be hospitalized twice in the psych ward of the hospital. It has also almost killed me while taking psych drugs through their brainwashing. You have to sign a paper saying that you won't sue Scientology if something bad happens. That's how dangerous it is.

From what I've heard, TC had a psychotic break on OT 3. I guess he got it together and is now currently an OT 7 completion. I have personally experienced psychiatric drugs work. Don't buy into their BS about psychiatry being horrible. They refer to old old psych times when people were lobotomized or electroshocked.

This is an evil cult that will suck your money dry. Don't get involved into it unless you have lots and lots of money.

just a guy says

cute song but not really catchy or memoriable.

Johonson says

I wish I had some semblance of musical skill so I could even attempt stuff like this. This guy really has a knack for the absurdly fantastic.

juliesossaman says

I think tom cruse is a very dangerous man, i also think he is a controller of his wife, this scientolgy thing he is realy way out. i stoped whating is movies along time ago when he became an aragont rich , person to say it polighlty . it scarry he has a daughater that will grow up with his insain ideas. money and fame he is not a well liked star any more because or his actions in the last year. or two. he does not deserve to make any more dumb movies. he has not had a good move in years everything is old news and i hopt his young wife gets smart and leaves his smug, full of him self. brad pitt and whis wife are doing something for other people ive never seen such a real couple like him and his wife rich but doingfor others

juliesossaman says

i hope people will see thru him rich people who dont help others that are less fortunate, brad pitt was raised that money can help other people where are the othe rich stars. julie sossaman

gustavo says

P.S. joxe is an idiot

Cruises says

C'mon, good ol' Tom needs a little credit! :-)

kevin says

is For Ann (rising) being used in this song?

JoCo says

@Kevin - nope. Not on purpose anyway.