Please Do Not Get Arrested

April 30th, 2010

And if you do, please do not mention my name to the police.

It is a very special day in Coultonland, a day I like to call “The First of May.” This is a free country, or at least it was until Obama was elected,* and so I do not presume to tell you how to celebrate it. I have no doubt that whatever you do, you will be sure to obey the law and comply with local ordinances. Also please remember that poison ivy has three shiny pointy leaves.

I myself will mostly be staying indoors, but I have already rubbed a couple of butts – no, they were PORK BUTTS, and I rubbed them with SPICES you pervert. What is wrong with you? Later I’m going to cook them on the GIRL.

My gift to you is this mp3 of a relevant track from “BEST. CONCERT. EVER.” You do not have to get me anything, in fact, I think I would prefer that you didn’t.

Happy Spring!

* Sarcasm

48 responses to “Please Do Not Get Arrested”

  1. AverageJon says:

    It’s still April here.

    I can’t wait until morning (nothing’s better than a fresh scone with a cup of house blend).

  2. Brandon says:

    JoCo said:
    “This is a free country, or at least it was until Obama was elected”

    Hmmm…is Obama no longer “pretty excellent so far”?

    Happy First of May, everyone!

  3. Jack says:

    I love the live track. Now I want to throw my money at this DVD in hopes of having one. Wait…

  4. JoAnn in VA says:

    Wow, I noticed that too, Brandon. *Hands JoCo a nice cup of TEA* Should I be saying “Welcome to the party”?

    Cookie Minion/tea party patriot

    TEA= Taxed Enough Already

  5. EarBucket says:

    Christ, teabaggers are dense.

  6. Colleen Ryckert Cook says:

    Thanks, JoCo, for making my spring SING!

  7. Mark says:

    No TEA = No Thanks, Enjoying Asterix. Oy. I think reading comprehension is one of the problems there methinks.

  8. Guy with the headcrab hat says:

    Free Comics and a free JoCo song? Best. Day Ever.

    Happy first of may everybody.

  9. Blair says:

    FCBD and FOFD (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, saynomore). Thanks JoCo!

  10. Zac says:

    Cooking BUTTS on the GIRL?

  11. Athene says:

    @Brandon and JoAnn – Or y’all could notice the * and the note at the bottom that says “Sarcasm”

  12. Thanks Coulton,

    I will play this until I stop. Seriously!

  13. k2 says:

    Still, a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest*, hmmmmmmmm…

    *such as asterisks

  14. Robin says:

    Awesomesauce!! Of course, I have the DVD and CD already but this way I don’t have to go dig the thing out of my car. =P

  15. Roger says:

    My birthday is May 1, so being able to grab a copy of this song live is an awesome present to myself.

    Also…I saw you at Toads in New Haven, CT and you put on a great live show.

    Looking forward to your return!

  16. Sean L. says:

    Happy First of May!

  17. Heather says:

    Aweseme. Just got back from Free Comic Day at our local comic store, and now I find a free Jonathan Coulton song. Could today get any better?

  18. Luther says:

    I liked JoCo more when he didn’t publish his political views. At least he’s not preachy or put any kind of message in his songs.

    Also the Asterisk wasn’t there at the start.

  19. mo'jenn says:

    Oh, how I love you, first of May!

  20. Speedy says:

    Hey Luther, I think the asterisk was inserted later for people like JoAnn and Brandon who don’t understand irony (btw, JoAnn, thanks so much for telling us what “TEA” stands for — I had NEVER heard that before*). And since when did JoCo “publish his political views”? It was just a joke, Luther.


  21. call me trish says:

    it is true that i was kind of *perky* over the date until i emailed my friend-in-joco-fandom a may day wish for ‘celebrations suitable to the occasion.’

    when he broke my heart by replying ‘sounds like a curse,’ i knew i needed a new friend in joco-fandom.

    so, step right up, folks! i will be taking offers until i receive an offer.

    (if it helps, i’m going to the park later, and i could bring an ant-free blanket)

  22. Dustin says:

    Ser.iou.sly people! Can’t we just be friends today?

    Today is a happy day, a day for doing things…with people…in places…

    A day for merry bipartisanship…if you catch my drift šŸ˜‰

  23. Captaincuastic says:

    Here in So. California, we don’t have poison ivy, but we do have poison oak.

  24. Autumnraina says:

    Happy first of May, JoCo! I’m looking forward to seeing you in Raleigh, NC this month. My first JoCo concert!

  25. Jonathan says:

    Happy Outdoor Fucking Day!

  26. JoAnn in VA says:

    Jonathan, was the asterisk there from the start?

  27. Ken says:

    By the way… 109 points !

  28. JoCo says:

    In fairness to early commenters, the asterisk wasn’t there originally – I added it when it became clear I needed it. I’m sorry I said anything about the president, I forget evryone’s still so touchy.

  29. Riss says:

    So… Most ppl only go up to about 99 degrees f and you started cooking your pork butts on your girl yesterday …. I’m all for low and slow, but I don’t see it hitting safe internal temps before the sun starts to supernova or at least comes up with some fatal flarage. Pit grills is for pork, my Yankee friend.

  30. Brie says:

    Happy (belated) First of May, JoCo!

    And no arrests here.


  31. Brandon says:

    I didn’t mean to start a flame war, folks…it was all in jest…

    Either relax and don’t take what you read on the Internet so seriously, or just get a life, fercryinoutloud…

    Quite frankly, I know that it’s none of my business (or any of yours!) what Jonathan’s political views are…my comment was just a tongue-in-cheek thing…

    Don’t make mountains out of molehills, folks!

  32. Charlotte says:

    Damn JoCo… I bet you didn’t think that song could make someone cry… My late father greeted every May first singing 1st. of May 1st of May, out door fucking starts today… or at least as far as he could get before my mother elbowed him. (“first of May first of May, Out.. Ow! ) Thanks. Just wish I could send it to him

  33. Tim says:

    Is it okay to celebrate this holiday in solitude?

  34. Matt says:

    Holy hell. Nice song.

  35. Foss says:

    First of May, first of May, outdoor cooking starts today.

  36. John from SC says:

    Wish everyone agreed with you about celebrating May 1st non-violently. Some anarchists here in Santa Cruz decided to ruin it.

  37. Joe says:

    Filth! Filth, I say.

    (I love it so much)

  38. Colin says:

    Well my first of May consisted of drowning here in the floods of Nashville. It was quite unfortunate, especially considering the actual devastation that occurred because of all this. Guys, spread the word. Things here in Nashville and the surrounding areas are NOT GOOD and very little is being done about it aside from the people of Nashville themselves.

    In other news, there are Piranha swimming around loose in the flooded hallways of the Opry Mills Mall just next door to the Grand Ole Opry. lolz

  39. Angi says:

    Colin – I think those of us in Nashville need a do over of this great holiday.

    The floods certainly put a damper on my participation in the First of May Olympics. Guess my husband and I will have keep on training for next year’s event.

  40. Brandon says:

    @Colin and Angi: I’m just to your north in Robertson County. I’m worried about you and all the other residents of Nashville. Here’s hoping that the waters recede soon.

  41. Nathan says:

    Hope your having fun at the Convention JoCo!

  42. Xynrei says:

    I already know someone who didn’t heed the poison ivy warning, ha.

  43. GaryM says:

    But which half of the sentence is sarcasm?

  44. diego nunes says:

    . . btw: SongSlide is no longer in business. You should take the link for them out of the /primer/get page.

  45. Ruth says:

    …on your *girl* ? I’m a little worried now…

  46. Sue says:

    But Bush is the one who taps your phone lines. Just sayin’ :p

  47. R. Kevin Hill says:

    I realize that this is a bit late, or early, but apropos Coultondays past and future, I thought I would mention this: